Tuesday, June 20, 2017

YOUR BIRTHDAY

You would have been 46 on June 16, 2017.  

It was a hard day.

Sweet Wife, Son, Daughter were here.  

You were here with us in a special way.  Thankful!

Then your Sister and Niece arrived Saturday.

Your Brother and SIL arrived Saturday evening.

We celebrated Fathers' Day.  Your first one not here.

We celebrated Dad and his birthday yesterday.

You are missed daily, hourly, by the minute.

**********







Wednesday, June 14, 2017

UNDERTOW

When I was a child, we lived near the beach in Virginia.  My mom, my brothers and another Navy wife with her three children all went one day.

Oh, I need to tell you that my mom could not swim.  So, she stayed on the beach, chatting and watching her children.

Well, something happened that I still remember today.

I was caught in an undertow.  I remember being tossed around like a rag doll, spinning head over heel, scared, drowning.  Then, it was if I heard a voice.  Stand up. it said, put your feet on the sand and push.  I did and my head broke out of the water into the wonderful air.

I was so out of breath.  I staggered to where my mom and others were sitting on a blanket.  I told her what had happened.  She had me sit on the blanket near her until I could get calmed down.  I did and eventually went back into the water but only up to just above me knees.  

No way was I going to try that again.  I did later on and still love the beach today.

I've found out that grief is like an undertow.  I can be walking down the aisle of a store and feel the rush of grief overpower me.  I start to breathe differently.  I cannot focus on much of any thing.  And, it just keeps coming.

People are trying to comfort me by comparing the death of their brother, or sister, or any one else, to what has happened to my son.  It doesn't help.  

Why?

Because there is no pain like the pain of loosing one of your children.  

The grief keeps coming.  I think about his children, how young they are, how their story will be all of their lives....my daddy died when I was 8, my daddy died when I was 6.

It breaks my heart.  

I don't understand.  It doesn't make sense.  I am drowning. 

I hang on because I have my daughter and my son.

Thank God for the voice.

Thank God for my children.

**********

Saturday, June 10, 2017

ATTEMPTING

From everything I have read, to date, one never gets over loosing a child.  

A Facebook page for parents that have lost a child is hard but helpful.  It has multiple posts from many different people, loosing children of all ages.  Reading it is depressing but at the same time, it is comforting. 

 Does that sound weird? 

 It is.  

Comforting because I realize the experience is the same for every one.  

When you bury a child, you bury part of yourself.  

That one statement alone explains why those that have not lost a child really do not understand.  They are not suppose to understand.  Only the experience binds you with others of the same experience.  

Another reading is from a nonprofit.  

I think I will scan it and post on this blog.....just in case it helps someone else who has a broken heart.

Life does go on.  My children, husband, friends, have all given me my needed space.

The only thing I know is if I make it through the night, I will get up, eat breakfast, shower.  

After that, I know nothing.  I plan but do not do. 

I breathe. 

 I mourn.  

That's it.

**********

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

3 MONTHS

It has now been 3 months since my son's death.  

Today I am.

Numb.

Just numb.

Life goes on so they say but it is no longer the same life.  

Numb.

Just numb.

**********

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

ANGER

There is sorrow then comes the anger.   

I find myself constantly gritting my teeth.

I'm on the verge of exploding.

I'm angry at life, the world, etc.

I want to lash out but what difference would it make.

None.

Sorrow can be a pressure cooker.

*********

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

LIFE AFTER THE DEATH OF YOUR CHILD

Death is part of life, I get it.  

I've lost both parents, in their fifties, my youngest brother at 23 on a motorcycle, a niece, a personal miscarriage, grandparents.  

Nothing, nothing, nothing compares to loosing a child in death, even a 45 year old child.

The sadness is always just below the surface of emotions.  It is a constant source of tears at the drop of a hat.

It has been past two months now.  I've been communicated with/to a few mothers who have lost adult children.  They do not give any hope of improvement.

Our neighbor drowned six years ago.  Her parents moved in to help with the only child, who is now 20.  When I told the grandmother about Aaron, she cried tears for her drowned daughter.  Gone at 42.  
It still doesn't make any sense to me.  I still have questions, disappointments, why, what if, should haves, etc. 

Our other two children are wonderful and caring.  They understand my pain.  They lost a brother, too.

Life is hard.

Life stinks.

Life always ends in death.

I plan to go to a counselor to try to help me heal.  No matter what she says, it will not bring my son back, will not change circumstances but will, hopefully, help me handle it.

I've not been back to church.  I saw a man that goes to the church.  Yes, I broke down.  He was very kind.   The idea of facing them all with their sad looks and words is overwhelming so I don't.   They are a wonderful group of people.  It's just I cannot do it.

**********


Sunday, April 16, 2017

AARON IN PENCIL BY BETHANY KERR



Thank you!  Your kindness has touched me!!!  I did copy, as you instructed, I did give Malinda copies promising that she will get the original when I kick the bucket.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

**********

Monday, April 10, 2017

KINDNESS

Today I experienced a gift of kindness that touched me.  

A sweet lady named Bethany, who is a very talented self taught artist, drew a picture of our late son.  Its striking!

We met today and she gave it to me!

I will cherish it the rest of my life!

Yes I will post it on this blog.

**********


Friday, April 7, 2017

BAD BAD DAY

Today has been a bad day times ten!!!   I've cried.  I've mourned.  My heart continues to break.   I find no relief.  No solace.  No moving forward.   No light at the end of the tunnel.

**********

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

WHY?

I don't understand.

I never will.

I miss him every minute.

**********

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

JUST ANOTHER DAY

I still feel as though I am in a fog.  Our first born son is gone.  The thing that is so very difficult is the future.  

Never another phone call....

Never another hug.....

Never another fuss.....

Never another whatever.....

Try to imagine your adult child being gone from your life.  It's a horrible thing.


Years ago, my brother and his wife lost a baby girl to open heart surgery.  There was a 98% chance of survival.  She didn't.  She was in the 2%.  

They went to Kinder Mourn for counseling, I think that was the name of the organization.  They were told then that the hard thing about loosing a child is loosing the future.  

Now, I find that is true, in spite of the fact that our son lived to be 45 years old, it's too soon, too not right and yes, we have lost his future, too.

He will not teach his son to drive a car.  He will not walk his daughter down the aisle in her wedding. He and his wife will no longer celebrate another wedding anniversary together.  He will not have another birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving.

It's too soon to loose him. 

I thought he/we had more time......

**********

Friday, March 24, 2017

PLEASE TELL ME ITS NOT REAL

Our Son is dead.

I cannot speak of him but I can not stop thinking about him!

I mourn constantly.

I cherish my other children more!

Life is so short and so full of pain!

Why?


Sunday, March 19, 2017

ALPHA ONE IS A KILLER

https://www.alpha1.org/what-is-alpha1


This website tells you everything you need to know about any one or a diagnosis of Alpha 1.  

It DOES NOT tell you what an absolutely horrible disease it is and can be.  There is no cure without a transplant.  

Our son came very close to qualifying for a new liver but the decision was made he did not qualify.

It is heart breaking.  

Man played God.

He is gone and we are left to suffer without him.  

It stinks.

*********

Thursday, March 16, 2017

AARON, RIP, SON.

On March 6, our first born child, our son, Aaron died from Alpha 1.  He suffered for over five years.  In the end, his liver, lungs and kidneys all gave out.  He was 45 years old.

I was on Pinterest tonight because I cannot sleep.  I saw his board.  He had hopes, dreams, plans, a bucket list, a wish list.  He was a good person who believed in God, salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.

But now, he is gone.  We will never hug him again in this life.  We will not laugh with him any more.  I will not argue with him about politics, stress, life.

He and I had a mother son moment while he was in the hospital.  I will remember it the rest of my life.  

The struggle now is to put one foot in front of the other, to take the next breath, to try to make it through the day without crying, which I have yet to accomplish.

To believe, hope, understand, how none of this seems real, how we go on living.  

Alpha 1 is a horrible way to die.

He was a good man but he suffered terribly.  Some of it I question his medical care.  Some of it was the end of that horrible disease which is genetic, meaning his father and I both carry the gene.  

I look at others around me and wonder why they are still breathing and my son is not.  

Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right about any of it.

**********

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

OUR SON HAS DIED FROM ALPHA 1

Aaron, our first born, funny, loyal, grouchy, son has died.  He was 45 years old.  I am debating whether or not I should discuss it on this blog.  It would be as a lasting reminder of his life.  It would be to help others that suffer this horrible disease.

I am undecided.

My brain is not functioning enough to even make that decision.

**********

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

HAM MONEY

Yesterday I made a quick trip to the local Kroger.  I no longer shop there because I prefer Publix but I needed a few things and The Hubbie had an RX called in for pick up.  I pressed toward the mark.

I stopped at the meat area, which is at  the back of the store, the first refrigerated section.  I spotted some packages of ham on sale.  It was Kentucky Brown Sugar Ham quarters, pre-sliced, regular price is

$4.99 per pound. 

BUT

if you had a store card, it was on sale for a mere $1.99 per pound of delicious ham goodness!

I grabbed one.  Brought it home, explained the deal to The Hubbie.  He said that is better than the cheap stuff.  Me....should I go back for more?  He.....yes.

Today, I did.

Sadly not one little ham quarter was marked the sale price and yes, there were only a few left.

I tracked down the meat man!!!

My request was....I was here last night, bought this ham for $1.99 per pound.  All that is on the shelf is $4.99 per pound.  He scanned it and yes it was full price.  The sign was still out so he said he could re-weigh it and put the sale price on it.

I said, yes and I would like a few more.

He walked to the meat counter with three in hand.  He re-weighed each, put on the sale price, brought them to me and wa la.....all were now priced at the sale price!!!

The moral of this story is....don't be afraid to ask.  I purchased some yum ham for less than half price!   Then went back for three more!

Last night I purchased deli ham meat, one half pound, and it was over $5 dollars!!!

The Hubbie will love having it for lunch sandwiches instead of the pre-packed, long time in the store lunch meat.

My mouth is watering just thinking about how good that ham will be and how much money I saved!

Love a bargain!

**********


Monday, January 23, 2017

I AM MY OWN GRANDMA

Time does fly!  Hard to grasp that I will be 70 years old in the near future.  Yep, an oldie.

I was thinking about my sweet grandmother.  I called her Memaw.  I loved her more than anything!  She was very special to me.  When I was a child, we lived in VA, she lived in TX.  I did not see her for five years.  It was trauma to me.  We did not have a phone.  She did not have a phone.  There was no Skype, no Facebook, only letters.  I remember the day she traveled, with her other daughter, to see us in VA. I remember the day she walked through our front door.  My heart about burst!!!  She was not wealthy, worked all her life, became ill, had to quit work and move in with my parents.  She lived with them for twenty years before passing.  I miss her still.

The other night I was laying in bed, thinking about her before I dozed off. 

She:

slept with a flashlight.....I do, too, now.

took a pencil and little notebook to bed to jot down any thing she needed to remember....I have one next to my bed, too, now.

she went to sleep by listening to a small transistor radio, battery run.  I have an Amazon Fire that I watch before sleeping.

was a very talented seamstress, earned her living working in a garment factory.  I sew. 

loved her grandkids.  I do mine. 

would have been a wonderful great great grandmother.

Life is short. 

Many go too soon. 

Remember them by your life. 

Guess I'm like her more than I realized. 

***********