Sunday, April 16, 2017

AARON IN PENCIL BY BETHANY KERR



Thank you!  Your kindness has touched me!!!  I did copy, as you instructed, I did give Malinda copies promising that she will get the original when I kick the bucket.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

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Monday, April 10, 2017

KINDNESS

Today I experienced a gift of kindness that touched me.  

A sweet lady named Bethany, who is a very talented self taught artist, drew a picture of our late son.  Its striking!

We met today and she gave it to me!

I will cherish it the rest of my life!

Yes I will post it on this blog.

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Friday, April 7, 2017

BAD BAD DAY

Today has been a bad day times ten!!!   I've cried.  I've mourned.  My heart continues to break.   I find no relief.  No solace.  No moving forward.   No light at the end of the tunnel.

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Tuesday, April 4, 2017

WHY?

I don't understand.

I never will.

I miss him every minute.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2017

JUST ANOTHER DAY

I still feel as though I am in a fog.  Our first born son is gone.  The thing that is so very difficult is the future.  

Never another phone call....

Never another hug.....

Never another fuss.....

Never another whatever.....

Try to imagine your adult child being gone from your life.  It's a horrible thing.


Years ago, my brother and his wife lost a baby girl to open heart surgery.  There was a 98% chance of survival.  She didn't.  She was in the 2%.  

They went to Kinder Mourn for counseling, I think that was the name of the organization.  They were told then that the hard thing about loosing a child is loosing the future.  

Now, I find that is true, in spite of the fact that our son lived to be 45 years old, it's too soon, too not right and yes, we have lost his future, too.

He will not teach his son to drive a car.  He will not walk his daughter down the aisle in her wedding. He and his wife will no longer celebrate another wedding anniversary together.  He will not have another birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving.

It's too soon to loose him. 

I thought he/we had more time......

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Friday, March 24, 2017

PLEASE TELL ME ITS NOT REAL

Our Son is dead.

I cannot speak of him but I can not stop thinking about him!

I mourn constantly.

I cherish my other children more!

Life is so short and so full of pain!

Why?


Sunday, March 19, 2017

ALPHA ONE IS A KILLER

https://www.alpha1.org/what-is-alpha1


This website tells you everything you need to know about any one or a diagnosis of Alpha 1.  

It DOES NOT tell you what an absolutely horrible disease it is and can be.  There is no cure without a transplant.  

Our son came very close to qualifying for a new liver but the decision was made he did not qualify.

It is heart breaking.  

Man played God.

He is gone and we are left to suffer without him.  

It stinks.

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Thursday, March 16, 2017

AARON, RIP, SON.

On March 6, our first born child, our son, Aaron died from Alpha 1.  He suffered for over five years.  In the end, his liver, lungs and kidneys all gave out.  He was 45 years old.

I was on Pinterest tonight because I cannot sleep.  I saw his board.  He had hopes, dreams, plans, a bucket list, a wish list.  He was a good person who believed in God, salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.

But now, he is gone.  We will never hug him again in this life.  We will not laugh with him any more.  I will not argue with him about politics, stress, life.

He and I had a mother son moment while he was in the hospital.  I will remember it the rest of my life.  

The struggle now is to put one foot in front of the other, to take the next breath, to try to make it through the day without crying, which I have yet to accomplish.

To believe, hope, understand, how none of this seems real, how we go on living.  

Alpha 1 is a horrible way to die.

He was a good man but he suffered terribly.  Some of it I question his medical care.  Some of it was the end of that horrible disease which is genetic, meaning his father and I both carry the gene.  

I look at others around me and wonder why they are still breathing and my son is not.  

Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right about any of it.

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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

OUR SON HAS DIED FROM ALPHA 1

Aaron, our first born, funny, loyal, grouchy, son has died.  He was 45 years old.  I am debating whether or not I should discuss it on this blog.  It would be as a lasting reminder of his life.  It would be to help others that suffer this horrible disease.

I am undecided.

My brain is not functioning enough to even make that decision.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

HAM MONEY

Yesterday I made a quick trip to the local Kroger.  I no longer shop there because I prefer Publix but I needed a few things and The Hubbie had an RX called in for pick up.  I pressed toward the mark.

I stopped at the meat area, which is at  the back of the store, the first refrigerated section.  I spotted some packages of ham on sale.  It was Kentucky Brown Sugar Ham quarters, pre-sliced, regular price is

$4.99 per pound. 

BUT

if you had a store card, it was on sale for a mere $1.99 per pound of delicious ham goodness!

I grabbed one.  Brought it home, explained the deal to The Hubbie.  He said that is better than the cheap stuff.  Me....should I go back for more?  He.....yes.

Today, I did.

Sadly not one little ham quarter was marked the sale price and yes, there were only a few left.

I tracked down the meat man!!!

My request was....I was here last night, bought this ham for $1.99 per pound.  All that is on the shelf is $4.99 per pound.  He scanned it and yes it was full price.  The sign was still out so he said he could re-weigh it and put the sale price on it.

I said, yes and I would like a few more.

He walked to the meat counter with three in hand.  He re-weighed each, put on the sale price, brought them to me and wa la.....all were now priced at the sale price!!!

The moral of this story is....don't be afraid to ask.  I purchased some yum ham for less than half price!   Then went back for three more!

Last night I purchased deli ham meat, one half pound, and it was over $5 dollars!!!

The Hubbie will love having it for lunch sandwiches instead of the pre-packed, long time in the store lunch meat.

My mouth is watering just thinking about how good that ham will be and how much money I saved!

Love a bargain!

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Monday, January 23, 2017

I AM MY OWN GRANDMA

Time does fly!  Hard to grasp that I will be 70 years old in the near future.  Yep, an oldie.

I was thinking about my sweet grandmother.  I called her Memaw.  I loved her more than anything!  She was very special to me.  When I was a child, we lived in VA, she lived in TX.  I did not see her for five years.  It was trauma to me.  We did not have a phone.  She did not have a phone.  There was no Skype, no Facebook, only letters.  I remember the day she traveled, with her other daughter, to see us in VA. I remember the day she walked through our front door.  My heart about burst!!!  She was not wealthy, worked all her life, became ill, had to quit work and move in with my parents.  She lived with them for twenty years before passing.  I miss her still.

The other night I was laying in bed, thinking about her before I dozed off. 

She:

slept with a flashlight.....I do, too, now.

took a pencil and little notebook to bed to jot down any thing she needed to remember....I have one next to my bed, too, now.

she went to sleep by listening to a small transistor radio, battery run.  I have an Amazon Fire that I watch before sleeping.

was a very talented seamstress, earned her living working in a garment factory.  I sew. 

loved her grandkids.  I do mine. 

would have been a wonderful great great grandmother.

Life is short. 

Many go too soon. 

Remember them by your life. 

Guess I'm like her more than I realized. 

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