Tuesday, July 18, 2017

BREATHING

In.

Out.

Make it thru another day.

**********

Monday, July 17, 2017

ABANDONED

Today I feel abandoned.......

I will not finish the sentence because I just cannot.

Last night, I cried again, but was determined to stop posting about this horrible pain I feel.

We had the house carpets cleaned.  I was sitting waiting for them to dry, watching TV.

Like a huge wave, again, I became overwhelmingly sad.  I fought tears.  Tonight has been stress and sadness. 

I'm very tired, very, very, tired.

**********

Friday, July 14, 2017

DID IT AGAIN

Well, thought I was doing better.  Nope, cried and boohooed again today.  It was over something pretty small but it hit like a tidal wave!

**********

Thursday, July 13, 2017

LITTLE THINGS

It's the little things that remind me of you.  

A commercial on the radio, a video on Facebook, where you liked to eat, things we did, didn't do.

You are gone but not forgotten.

Till we see each other again, Son.

I love you.





**********

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

GRIEF

Are you grieving?  

It's real, you know.

There are no two people that grieve the same.

There are no rules, no steps, no goals, no plan.

Grief is separation.  It doesn't mean only when someone dies.  

Life is hard.  

Life can stink.

Those that profess to be so spiritual that they do not grieve are lying.  Accepting the will of God is hard.  

**********


Tuesday, July 11, 2017

ANOTHER MONTH

Time is moving.  It's moving forward although I seem stuck.

Those that know, say it will get 'better'.  How can something so bad get better?

On the other hand, to me, it seems to be getting harder.  Really?  Yes, really.

Why?  

Because it has been longer since we last saw you.  Four months and 5 days now.  

This is a happy picture of you and your family.  I am so glad we took family photos that day.



Son, you are missed.  I've decided that I will miss you till the day I die.  

Your sister and brother are a great comfort to me.  You know that though.  

So, what now?  

Trying to balance a negative action/reaction with a positive act.

It's not easy.

I just want to sit and do nothing most days.  

**********

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Saturday, June 24, 2017

BACK TO SQUARE ONE

Last Thursday I went to my first counseling session.  The lady was calm and we seemed to have a few things in common.  I appreciated her help.  I felt better.  I had words and tools to use.

Then today happened.

I feel as though I am back at square one, the day you died. 

Tears fell for it seemed like hours. 

It's all I can say.

**********

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

YOUR BIRTHDAY

You would have been 46 on June 16, 2017.  

It was a hard day.

Sweet Wife, Son, Daughter were here.  

You were here with us in a special way.  Thankful!

Then your Sister and Niece arrived Saturday.

Your Brother and SIL arrived Saturday evening.

We celebrated Fathers' Day.  Your first one not here.

We celebrated Dad and his birthday yesterday.

You are missed daily, hourly, by the minute.

**********







Wednesday, June 14, 2017

UNDERTOW

When I was a child, we lived near the beach in Virginia.  My mom, my brothers and another Navy wife with her three children all went one day.

Oh, I need to tell you that my mom could not swim.  So, she stayed on the beach, chatting and watching her children.

Well, something happened that I still remember today.

I was caught in an undertow.  I remember being tossed around like a rag doll, spinning head over heel, scared, drowning.  Then, it was if I heard a voice.  Stand up. it said, put your feet on the sand and push.  I did and my head broke out of the water into the wonderful air.

I was so out of breath.  I staggered to where my mom and others were sitting on a blanket.  I told her what had happened.  She had me sit on the blanket near her until I could get calmed down.  I did and eventually went back into the water but only up to just above me knees.  

No way was I going to try that again.  I did later on and still love the beach today.

I've found out that grief is like an undertow.  I can be walking down the aisle of a store and feel the rush of grief overpower me.  I start to breathe differently.  I cannot focus on much of any thing.  And, it just keeps coming.

People are trying to comfort me by comparing the death of their brother, or sister, or any one else, to what has happened to my son.  It doesn't help.  

Why?

Because there is no pain like the pain of loosing one of your children.  

The grief keeps coming.  I think about his children, how young they are, how their story will be all of their lives....my daddy died when I was 8, my daddy died when I was 6.

It breaks my heart.  

I don't understand.  It doesn't make sense.  I am drowning. 

I hang on because I have my daughter and my son.

Thank God for the voice.

Thank God for my children.

**********