Tuesday, May 23, 2017


There is sorrow then comes the anger.   

I find myself constantly gritting my teeth.

I'm on the verge of exploding.

I'm angry at life, the world, etc.

I want to lash out but what difference would it make.


Sorrow can be a pressure cooker.


Tuesday, May 16, 2017


Death is part of life, I get it.  

I've lost both parents, in their fifties, my youngest brother at 23 on a motorcycle, a niece, a personal miscarriage, grandparents.  

Nothing, nothing, nothing compares to loosing a child in death, even a 45 year old child.

The sadness is always just below the surface of emotions.  It is a constant source of tears at the drop of a hat.

It has been past two months now.  I've been communicated with/to a few mothers who have lost adult children.  They do not give any hope of improvement.

Our neighbor drowned six years ago.  Her parents moved in to help with the only child, who is now 20.  When I told the grandmother about Aaron, she cried tears for her drowned daughter.  Gone at 42.  
It still doesn't make any sense to me.  I still have questions, disappointments, why, what if, should haves, etc. 

Our other two children are wonderful and caring.  They understand my pain.  They lost a brother, too.

Life is hard.

Life stinks.

Life always ends in death.

I plan to go to a counselor to try to help me heal.  No matter what she says, it will not bring my son back, will not change circumstances but will, hopefully, help me handle it.

I've not been back to church.  I saw a man that goes to the church.  Yes, I broke down.  He was very kind.   The idea of facing them all with their sad looks and words is overwhelming so I don't.   They are a wonderful group of people.  It's just I cannot do it.


Sunday, April 16, 2017


Thank you!  Your kindness has touched me!!!  I did copy, as you instructed, I did give Malinda copies promising that she will get the original when I kick the bucket.



Monday, April 10, 2017


Today I experienced a gift of kindness that touched me.  

A sweet lady named Bethany, who is a very talented self taught artist, drew a picture of our late son.  Its striking!

We met today and she gave it to me!

I will cherish it the rest of my life!

Yes I will post it on this blog.


Friday, April 7, 2017


Today has been a bad day times ten!!!   I've cried.  I've mourned.  My heart continues to break.   I find no relief.  No solace.  No moving forward.   No light at the end of the tunnel.


Tuesday, April 4, 2017


I don't understand.

I never will.

I miss him every minute.


Wednesday, March 29, 2017


I still feel as though I am in a fog.  Our first born son is gone.  The thing that is so very difficult is the future.  

Never another phone call....

Never another hug.....

Never another fuss.....

Never another whatever.....

Try to imagine your adult child being gone from your life.  It's a horrible thing.

Years ago, my brother and his wife lost a baby girl to open heart surgery.  There was a 98% chance of survival.  She didn't.  She was in the 2%.  

They went to Kinder Mourn for counseling, I think that was the name of the organization.  They were told then that the hard thing about loosing a child is loosing the future.  

Now, I find that is true, in spite of the fact that our son lived to be 45 years old, it's too soon, too not right and yes, we have lost his future, too.

He will not teach his son to drive a car.  He will not walk his daughter down the aisle in her wedding. He and his wife will no longer celebrate another wedding anniversary together.  He will not have another birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving.

It's too soon to loose him. 

I thought he/we had more time......


Friday, March 24, 2017


Our Son is dead.

I cannot speak of him but I can not stop thinking about him!

I mourn constantly.

I cherish my other children more!

Life is so short and so full of pain!


Sunday, March 19, 2017



This website tells you everything you need to know about any one or a diagnosis of Alpha 1.  

It DOES NOT tell you what an absolutely horrible disease it is and can be.  There is no cure without a transplant.  

Our son came very close to qualifying for a new liver but the decision was made he did not qualify.

It is heart breaking.  

Man played God.

He is gone and we are left to suffer without him.  

It stinks.


Thursday, March 16, 2017


On March 6, our first born child, our son, Aaron died from Alpha 1.  He suffered for over five years.  In the end, his liver, lungs and kidneys all gave out.  He was 45 years old.

I was on Pinterest tonight because I cannot sleep.  I saw his board.  He had hopes, dreams, plans, a bucket list, a wish list.  He was a good person who believed in God, salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.

But now, he is gone.  We will never hug him again in this life.  We will not laugh with him any more.  I will not argue with him about politics, stress, life.

He and I had a mother son moment while he was in the hospital.  I will remember it the rest of my life.  

The struggle now is to put one foot in front of the other, to take the next breath, to try to make it through the day without crying, which I have yet to accomplish.

To believe, hope, understand, how none of this seems real, how we go on living.  

Alpha 1 is a horrible way to die.

He was a good man but he suffered terribly.  Some of it I question his medical care.  Some of it was the end of that horrible disease which is genetic, meaning his father and I both carry the gene.  

I look at others around me and wonder why they are still breathing and my son is not.  

Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right about any of it.