Wednesday, March 29, 2017


I still feel as though I am in a fog.  Our first born son is gone.  The thing that is so very difficult is the future.  

Never another phone call....

Never another hug.....

Never another fuss.....

Never another whatever.....

Try to imagine your adult child being gone from your life.  It's a horrible thing.

Years ago, my brother and his wife lost a baby girl to open heart surgery.  There was a 98% chance of survival.  She didn't.  She was in the 2%.  

They went to Kinder Mourn for counseling, I think that was the name of the organization.  They were told then that the hard thing about loosing a child is loosing the future.  

Now, I find that is true, in spite of the fact that our son lived to be 45 years old, it's too soon, too not right and yes, we have lost his future, too.

He will not teach his son to drive a car.  He will not walk his daughter down the aisle in her wedding. He and his wife will no longer celebrate another wedding anniversary together.  He will not have another birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving.

It's too soon to loose him. 

I thought he/we had more time......


Friday, March 24, 2017


Our Son is dead.

I cannot speak of him but I can not stop thinking about him!

I mourn constantly.

I cherish my other children more!

Life is so short and so full of pain!


Sunday, March 19, 2017


This website tells you everything you need to know about any one or a diagnosis of Alpha 1.  

It DOES NOT tell you what an absolutely horrible disease it is and can be.  There is no cure without a transplant.  

Our son came very close to qualifying for a new liver but the decision was made he did not qualify.

It is heart breaking.  

Man played God.

He is gone and we are left to suffer without him.  

It stinks.


Thursday, March 16, 2017


On March 6, our first born child, our son, Aaron died from Alpha 1.  He suffered for over five years.  In the end, his liver, lungs and kidneys all gave out.  He was 45 years old.

I was on Pinterest tonight because I cannot sleep.  I saw his board.  He had hopes, dreams, plans, a bucket list, a wish list.  He was a good person who believed in God, salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.

But now, he is gone.  We will never hug him again in this life.  We will not laugh with him any more.  I will not argue with him about politics, stress, life.

He and I had a mother son moment while he was in the hospital.  I will remember it the rest of my life.  

The struggle now is to put one foot in front of the other, to take the next breath, to try to make it through the day without crying, which I have yet to accomplish.

To believe, hope, understand, how none of this seems real, how we go on living.  

Alpha 1 is a horrible way to die.

He was a good man but he suffered terribly.  Some of it I question his medical care.  Some of it was the end of that horrible disease which is genetic, meaning his father and I both carry the gene.  

I look at others around me and wonder why they are still breathing and my son is not.  

Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right about any of it.


Tuesday, March 14, 2017


Aaron, our first born, funny, loyal, grouchy, son has died.  He was 45 years old.  I am debating whether or not I should discuss it on this blog.  It would be as a lasting reminder of his life.  It would be to help others that suffer this horrible disease.

I am undecided.

My brain is not functioning enough to even make that decision.