Death is part of life, I get it.
I've lost both parents, in their fifties, my youngest brother at 23 on a motorcycle, a niece, a personal miscarriage, grandparents.
Nothing, nothing, nothing compares to loosing a child in death, even a 45 year old child.
The sadness is always just below the surface of emotions. It is a constant source of tears at the drop of a hat.
It has been past two months now. I've been communicated with/to a few mothers who have lost adult children. They do not give any hope of improvement.
Our neighbor drowned six years ago. Her parents moved in to help with the only child, who is now 20. When I told the grandmother about Aaron, she cried tears for her drowned daughter. Gone at 42.
It still doesn't make any sense to me. I still have questions, disappointments, why, what if, should haves, etc.
Our other two children are wonderful and caring. They understand my pain. They lost a brother, too.
Life is hard.
Life always ends in death.
I plan to go to a counselor to try to help me heal. No matter what she says, it will not bring my son back, will not change circumstances but will, hopefully, help me handle it.
I've not been back to church. I saw a man that goes to the church. Yes, I broke down. He was very kind. The idea of facing them all with their sad looks and words is overwhelming so I don't. They are a wonderful group of people. It's just I cannot do it.