WHY?

I don't understand.

I never will.

I miss him every minute.

**********

JUST ANOTHER DAY

I still feel as though I am in a fog.  Our first born son is gone.  The thing that is so very difficult is the future.  

Never another phone call....

Never another hug.....

Never another fuss.....

Never another whatever.....

Try to imagine your adult child being gone from your life.  It's a horrible thing.

Years ago, my brother and his wife lost a baby girl to open heart surgery.  There was a 98% chance of survival.  She didn't.  She was in the 2%.  

They went to Kinder Mourn for counseling, I think that was the name of the organization.  They were told then that the hard thing about loosing a child is loosing the future.  

Now, I find that is true, in spite of the fact that our son lived to be 45 years old, it's too soon, too not right and yes, we have lost his future, too.

He will not teach his son to drive a car.  He will not walk his daughter down the aisle in her wedding. He and his wife will no longer celebrate another wedding anniversary together.  He will not have another birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving.

It's too soon to loose him. 

I thought he/we had more time......

**********

PLEASE TELL ME ITS NOT REAL

Our Son is dead.

I cannot speak of him but I can not stop thinking about him!

I mourn constantly.

I cherish my other children more!

Life is so short and so full of pain!

Why?

ALPHA ONE IS A KILLER

https://www.alpha1.org/what-is-alpha1

This website tells you everything you need to know about any one or a diagnosis of Alpha 1.  

It DOES NOT tell you what an absolutely horrible disease it is and can be.  There is no cure without a transplant.  

Our son came very close to qualifying for a new liver but the decision was made he did not qualify.

It is heart breaking.  

Man played God.

He is gone and we are left to suffer without him.  

It stinks.

*********

AARON, RIP, SON.

On March 6, our first born child, our son, Aaron died from Alpha 1.  He suffered for over five years.  In the end, his liver, lungs and kidneys all gave out.  He was 45 years old.

I was on Pinterest tonight because I cannot sleep.  I saw his board.  He had hopes, dreams, plans, a bucket list, a wish list.  He was a good person who believed in God, salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.

But now, he is gone.  We will never hug him again in this life.  We will not laugh with him any more.  I will not argue with him about politics, stress, life.

He and I had a mother son moment while he was in the hospital.  I will remember it the rest of my life.  

The struggle now is to put one foot in front of the other, to take the next breath, to try to make it through the day without crying, which I have yet to accomplish.

To believe, hope, understand, how none of this seems real, how we go on living.  

Alpha 1 is a horrible way to die.

He was a good man but he suffered terribly.  Some of it I question his medical care.  Some of it was the end of that horrible disease which is genetic, meaning his father and I both carry the gene.  

I look at others around me and wonder why they are still breathing and my son is not.  

Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right about any of it.

**********

OUR SON HAS DIED FROM ALPHA 1

Aaron, our first born, funny, loyal, grouchy, son has died.  He was 45 years old.  I am debating whether or not I should discuss it on this blog.  It would be as a lasting reminder of his life.  It would be to help others that suffer this horrible disease.

I am undecided.

My brain is not functioning enough to even make that decision.

**********

HAM MONEY

Yesterday I made a quick trip to the local Kroger.  I no longer shop there because I prefer Publix but I needed a few things and The Hubbie had an RX called in for pick up.  I pressed toward the mark.

I stopped at the meat area, which is at  the back of the store, the first refrigerated section.  I spotted some packages of ham on sale.  It was Kentucky Brown Sugar Ham quarters, pre-sliced, regular price is

$4.99 per pound. 

BUT

if you had a store card, it was on sale for a mere $1.99 per pound of delicious ham goodness!

I grabbed one.  Brought it home, explained the deal to The Hubbie.  He said that is better than the cheap stuff.  Me....should I go back for more?  He.....yes.

Today, I did.

Sadly not one little ham quarter was marked the sale price and yes, there were only a few left.

I tracked down the meat man!!!

My request was....I was here last night, bought this ham for $1.99 per pound.  All that is on the shelf is $4.99 per pound.  He scanned it and yes it was full price.  The sign was still out so he said he could re-weigh it and put the sale price on it.

I said, yes and I would like a few more.

He walked to the meat counter with three in hand.  He re-weighed each, put on the sale price, brought them to me and wa la.....all were now priced at the sale price!!!

The moral of this story is....don't be afraid to ask.  I purchased some yum ham for less than half price!   Then went back for three more!

Last night I purchased deli ham meat, one half pound, and it was over $5 dollars!!!

The Hubbie will love having it for lunch sandwiches instead of the pre-packed, long time in the store lunch meat.

My mouth is watering just thinking about how good that ham will be and how much money I saved!

Love a bargain!

**********

I AM MY OWN GRANDMA

Time does fly!  Hard to grasp that I will be 70 years old in the near future.  Yep, an oldie.

I was thinking about my sweet grandmother.  I called her Memaw.  I loved her more than anything!  She was very special to me.  When I was a child, we lived in VA, she lived in TX.  I did not see her for five years.  It was trauma to me.  We did not have a phone.  She did not have a phone.  There was no Skype, no Facebook, only letters.  I remember the day she traveled, with her other daughter, to see us in VA. I remember the day she walked through our front door.  My heart about burst!!!  She was not wealthy, worked all her life, became ill, had to quit work and move in with my parents.  She lived with them for twenty years before passing.  I miss her still.

The other night I was laying in bed, thinking about her before I dozed off. 

She:

slept with a flashlight.....I do, too, now.

took a pencil and little notebook to bed to jot down any thing she needed to remember....I have one next to my bed, too, now.

she went to sleep by listening to a small transistor radio, battery run.  I have an Amazon Fire that I watch before sleeping.

was a very talented seamstress, earned her living working in a garment factory.  I sew. 

loved her grandkids.  I do mine. 

would have been a wonderful great great grandmother.

Life is short. 

Many go too soon. 

Remember them by your life. 

Guess I'm like her more than I realized. 

***********

SO, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

Yes, Dear Fellow Bloggers, this post is about, what else?  The Presidential Election for 2016.

I must admit I am pretty frustrated about the whole thing.  The candidates we have are just that, what we have. 

 Hillary and Donald. 

For those that do not live in this great country, America, they are being tagged as follows:

Hillary = Death to our Country

Donald = Life to our Country

Because, you see, one is a career politician, her.  One that has been a liar, a cheat, a thief and a failure.  She is a multi millionaire, or so they say.  Her wealth has come from scamming the world.

The other, him. is considered a successful businessman that has a wonderful family of grown children who are a shining beacon to his success as a father.  He is a Billionaire, or so they say.   His wealth has come from working. 

Although I must pause here and say that I am proud to be an American, a free woman, with the power to vote.  I look at the world, and all three are rare.  

This election has been a down and dirty dog fight.  The media, meaning TV, press and print, are all very biased towards her.  

It seems he is far out pacing her.  Google Trump rallies.  Then Google Clinton rallies.

He is drawing thousands upon thousands at every campaign stop.  She, on the other hand, can draw in about 300.  Her running mate, Kaine, had a rally in Florida.  The crowd...30.  That's a 3 and a 0.  

But the polls and the press is still putting her way ahead, even winning.  She acts as though she has this in the bag.

Why?  

Is it really rigged?

Something is certainly rotten and it's not in Denmark.

I pray that God has mercy on our great land, the United States of America.

Only He can save us now.

***********

WELL.........

What an insane, fast passing year this is, 2016!

Illness, 

surgeries,

politics,

wham bam thank you, mam.

It's quite the year!

The Hubby turned 69.  I, being much younger, will turn 68 this week.  

The older son turned 45.

The one and only daughter turns 39.

The younger son turns 30.

We have three wonderful in law kiddos but I don't have permission to reveal their ages but I can say I am happy they are part of our family!

The grands are growing up.  All three are now half years on the way to the next full one.  

Just stopped by to say we're still breathing.  Life is still happening.  We are still thankful.

Blessings.

***********